Friday night at the dog lounge

Pets, , ,

That’s kind of what it feels like around here. Jax is back for his weekly visit and it seems like he’s grown a lot in the two weeks since we last saw him. It’s awfully quiet at the moment after several rounds of “Gremlins Karaoke”. It’s at that point where when listening to all of the vocalizations they are making towards each other, what kind of animal it’s coming from?

He’s cute and he knows it.

In the meantime, in other canine developments, we have been working with a drag line for Pallino. On our previous trip to the dog park, he ran free for six hours until he was finally so exhausted, we were able to catch him. Since then, the drag line. He wears it in the park and it allows us to get within 5 meters of him which is then usually not so close that he panics and gives us the room to slowly bring him in to put on his real leash. It works like a charm as he doesn’t feel threatened by how close you are getting to him. We’re able to take him to the dog park now almost every day so he can run, play and swim with other dogs. Which then makes him much more relaxed about walking through the city and seeing all those scary people walking around.

He’s even gotten to the point that he will now accept treats outdoors. It’s taken us nearly 10 months to get this far with him and now suddenly his development is going fast. That’s only something to be happy about.

Oh no, it’s time for another round of “Gremlin Karaoke”. I am not sure my ears are recovered from the last one. Let alone the fact that it’s almost midnight. Luckily the neighbors on one side have moved out.

Sunday I am off to Barcelona. I’m going to take some time and revisit some of the places Mom and I went to almost 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I won’t be staying at the same hotel as that has now been refurbished and converted to a 5 star hotel. It’s a little out of my budget range. 😉 I’m only there for 2 days so I’ll have to make every moment count. I hope it will restart my learning Spanish efforts.

Should I stay or should I go?

Pets

It’s been a long time between posts. I’ve thought about closing down my blog. With the increase in how much of our lives are digitalized, it’s my inner rebellion then says “Choose analog whenever possible.” Then the renewal notice comes around and I renew anyway.

It’s a Friday night and summer. This means that the terraces in front of our house are full of people enjoying food, drinks and weather doesn’t require an umbrella. Lots of groups tonight, I think people have milestones to celebrate. Earlier today there was a wedding marathon in the historic city hall to celebrate the 750th anniversary of the city.

For me, I am dogsitting. Every Friday, Jax the chihuahua puppy comes to stay while his owner works the 2PM-2AM shift. He’s learning fast. Since last week he has become increasingly more vocal, which is not necessarily a win. He alternates between a chuffing sound like a Gremlin and a high pitched attempt at a bark depending on which message he is trying to send. I am glad to do it as it means that I can enjoy all the benefits of a very cute puppy and then send him home with his owner at the end of the night.

I still think about and talk to Henry and George daily along with my Mom. In January, after fostering puppies for a rescue, we kept the one who didn’t get adopted, Pallino. We were not planning to. However, after his brother was adopted, he went completely back to stage zero and we realized that for him to start over with yet another family was probably worse for him than staying with us, even if we live in a city. The stressors that he experiences from life here could be offset by the time and patience we were willing to give him. It’s paid off. We still have work to do but compared to when he first came and now, he’s on his way to having a really good life.

Here’s the first picture we received of them. It was taken on the day they arrived at the rescue after being seen by a vet. They had been picked up off the street along with their sister. It’s interesting because when I first saw these pictures, I thought Pallino would be the first one to be adopted and we would have more work to do with Lupetto but it was exactly the other way around.

After the summer, we will foster again. Due to the heat and the transit time, the fall and winter are usually when the dogs come north. By that time, we should be ready for another set of puppies. Speaking of, it’s amazingly quiet now as everyone has finally fallen asleep after so many hours of squeaky toy Olympics. The key now is to pick the right time to wake them up for the last walk of the evening.

Much of the grounding I need comes from having animals in my life. The simple, repetitive requirements they have become anchors for me, not only in hard times. Maybe that is what some people get from meditation. I haven’t managed to get there yet. I supposed that’s okay though as it is a practice and it’s expected that you have to work at it.

Home or not?

Big Feelings, Travel, Uncategorized

I’m sitting here at Sea-Tac, looking over at gate S9 for an aircraft that is not there. If things had gone according to schedule, I would have been in the air already for a good 30 minutes, on my way back to the Netherlands. However, when there is no inbound aircraft, you’re kind of going to have to just accept that the only seat you will be in for the moment is the one bolted to the floor in the universally uncomfortable airport seating.

In this digital age, we tend to expect that everything can be electronic. The state of Washington seems to be the exception to that rule and I had to come back to pick some important documents that they would only issue on paper and mail. I arrived late Saturday (as in two days ago) and stayed 5 blocks from my old house in someone’s garage Air BNB.

Since this trip was already costing me enough money, I made the resolution to get around only via public transit. Bargain wise, definitely a good thing. I spent a grand total of $18.75 getting around. Of course, I also gave up hours to do this. This morning, it was 55 minutes to go 6 miles with the bus. If I had walked it, it would have taken me the same amount of time. I have a new found appreciation for the investment that European countries make in their public transit infrastructure. I had the luxury of spending the time because I didn’t have to go to work or pickup my kids or any other serious task.

Not wanting to be an extravagant transit spender, I also did a lot of foot travel. I wanted to see and experience Seattle from the pavement. I also wanted to test my European daily habits and see if they worked in Seattle. The results were mixed. Daily grocery shopping would be a nightmare here as stores are enormous. Besides if you are going everywhere on foot, there’s a limit to how much you can carry. My bike would have been an excellent option here.

I noticed how people rate dogs. The first time I passed a group of people doing it, I thought it was unique to their circumstances. Then as I was navigating the crowds in the Sunday Farmer’s Market, I noticed lots of people were doing it. The conversation references certain dogs that are walking around, compares their traits and appearance to dogs seen earlier and then there is an evaluation if that’s one they should put on the list to get. I had heard the statistic that there are more dogs than school age children in Seattle. If I had dogs, I would think twice about leaving them alone. I mean, Henry and George had an exceptionally high attraction factor and they were also really nice dogs. They could have been grabbed in a heartbeat. While there are many dogs here, they also seem to be very reactive. Their owners are attentive but the dogs themselves react to other dogs. Perhaps that is due to isolation from the COVID time? I know in the Netherlands it is a problem for dogs that people got during that time. They are undersocialized.

I was also struck by how chilly Seattle is. I think I have gotten used to the extravagant extroversion of the Dutch. When you are walking on the sidewalk, people to do not walk past you, they cross to the other side. Or they don’t make eye contact. Super weird. The whole social power dynamic seems out of balance. What is with ending all your sentences on an uplift like you are uncertain of what you are saying?

I don’t know if I will stay in the Netherlands for the rest of my life. I don’t know that Seattle would be somewhere I could return to and do well living there. I think I might have a little too much raw energy for the mellow Pacific Northwest. 😉

Apparently they found an aircraft and we are going to start boarding. Next stop, the land of Dutch directness.

Muffled

Big Feelings, Pets

That’s how I feel today. Everything feels far away and like it is too much effort to even try. I am not used to feeling like this.

It’s George’s birthday today. The first one without him. What I realized early this morning when I couldn’t sleep was that this year all of our birthdays, our first birthdays without each other, were on Saturdays. That struck me as unfair. If Saturdays are the ultimate day to have your birthday on, why in the year that it would be so for all of us, would we not be able to celebrate them together??

I know, of course, that dogs can tell time but don’t care about days of the week. They don’t care when their birthday actually takes place, they just care about being around the people that that they loved. The hamburgers and presents for them to unwrap were just a bonus. The singing of “Happy Birthday” offtune probably damaging to their sensitive hearing.

Since last Saturday, Henry’s birthday, I’ve felt this whole week like I just wanted to give up, to retreat from everything and hide. I didn’t let myself do that. If anything, I pushed myself even harder, to be present, to be overscheduled and to be overstimulated. Like if you are already feeling uncomfortable, can you push through to a maximum of discomfort so you just stop feeling that way? Like spiking a fever.

That’s not working anymore today. I feel like giving up. Maybe that is why I am drinking tea instead of coffee. To do this in the middle of the day, as I believe tea has it’s place but not during the day, is a sign that I am in deep trouble with myself.

I wonder to myself if I felt this way when the boys were still alive? Or did they keep me firmly anchored? Was it because of them that I always managed to get up and power through? When I felt at my most frustrated, did I come out of those dark moments because I had them nearby and they were happy with me exactly as I was? How much of my ability to emotionally regulate was based on my relationship with two loving small dogs?

I feel so empty. I feel like I want to disppear and stop giving a shit about all of the things I am trying to change in the world. I feel like I don’t care anymore. I feel like there is no point in caring anymore. I feel without hope. This is hard for me to acknowledge and even say out loud. Yet there it is. I have lost my indestructible sense of optimism. Or at the very least, misplaced it somewhere that I am not able to find it.

Crawling my way through

Big Feelings, Pets

This year of firsts. You know the year I mean. The one that starts the day you lose a loved one. The first day, then week, then month without them. The first birthday, yours or their’s, that you face. All the first times you go somewhere without them.

I have been doing that. I can’t say that I have been doing it very gracefully or with a high level of documentation. Primarily, it’s been trying to give myself the room to be sad, to miss my boys and to be okay with the fact that there are still tears.

Yesterday was Henry’s birthday. I woke up early yesterday morning, hours before the alarm to talk to him and to cry. The best time for me to cry is when the whole household is asleep. I knew that if I didn’t do that, it would be hanging over me like a cloud for the rest of the day and yesterday, I needed to be high functioning as I was speaking at an event.

I try to keep them close to me. I still hold George’s last blanket up to my face every night before I go to bed and first thing in the morning, to breathe in his smell. It’s fading and I know it. Henry’s little t-shirts are ducked into my drawer and they still smell like him. Last weekend, I cut open my arm from the work we were doing to build horse stalls. I reached for the Vetramil and smeared it on the cut, knowing that if had been good enough for Henry’s skin, it would be for mine as well. And mostly because I wanted to be reminded of the smell.

I skipped my birthday this year because there was nothing I wanted to celebrate. I chose instead to make the promise to myself that when I feel like celebrating it, I’ll just choose the day. For so many years, my birthday meant going away with the dogs to somewhere where they could be free and I could pretend to relax.

In some ways, I am getting better. I don’t cross the streets anymore to avoid walking past someone and their dog. Last week, I held a small dog in my arms until he fell asleep. I can spend time around dogs. I give the cats the attention they ask for, instead of trying to keep them at a distance. This is hard because they have all needed to adjust as well and now they are much more people oriented. Sometimes I wake up in the night thinking it is the boys that are sleeping next to me. Instead it’s Pickle or Olive if it’s really chilly. In that moment of half awareness, I think that the boys are still here and it’s just been a horrible dream.

I know that this will just take time and I cannot problem solve for it. While I haven’t slowed down, I also know that I can’t come through this by simply keeping myself so busy I don’t have time to think or feel. So I am not. While I typed that last sentence, Pickle just climbed up into my lap and is now hanging diagonally across my chest with his head over my shoulder. Glad he is comfortable!

Together again, George 2005-2023

Big Feelings, Pets

On the 20th of January 2023, eighty five days after losing our Henry, George slipped away in my arms. I thought we would have more time together. I thought that we would find our way through the grief of losing his brother and that we would start to make new memories.

But grief does strange things to bodies and out of nowhere and quickly, tumours had taken control of George’s little body. They were everywhere and aggressive. Suddenly he just stopped to responding to things.

He took his last breath in my arms, held close with the carefully repeated instructions to go and find his brother. That Henry would be waiting for him. With his passing, my last living link to my family as I constructed it was severed.

Henry and George spent the first 12 weeks of their lives living separately. And the last twelve weeks. The sixteen years, ten months and twenty four days between those two periods, they were never apart. As much as I loved them, their bond with each other was even greater. .

George was our adventurer. He wasn’t shy about making contact with people, especially if there were treats involved. He was an expert at getting zippers and bags open without anyone hearing him. He could liberate your lunch and have half of it eaten before you even noticed there was something going on. In my Lab, I had to buy replacement lunches for people more than once out of George’s allowance.

George was my Mom’s dog. He was crazy about her. When she was making her big plans to move to Ecuador, she told me that she would be taking George with her because he would easily adapt to learning Spanish and would be fine with a new environment. She wasn’t asking me, she was telling me. She was already getting him use to the sound of Jorge instead of George.

George was Raven’s companion. Raven was convinced that because they were both from Yakima, they had an instant friendship and a shared history. Watching them compete to find Easter eggs and to see who could find the most remains one of my favorite memories. The stinky egg farts afterwards from them both, not so much.

George lost both of them, we all did. But for him, they were primary. I felt sometimes that George got stuck with me because I was the one left. I felt guilty too because I loved them both but not the same. With time, I learned to let that go because I loved them enough for six people. Since they have been gone, many people have told me that they have a hard time thinking of me without them. For them, there was no me without Henry and George.

That is the hardest part to adjust to. That after all this time, I am not a We anymore. I am only an I because my boys are together again and without me. I know that grief is the result of love that you feel. But it sucks. I am struggling to find my way through this loss, one hour at a time.

To my little George, so named after Boy George, for your love for attention and outgoing personality, thank you for your love and patience. Thank you for giving me a reason to get up even when the hard days were happening. Thank you for giving me your trust and going anywhere we did. Thank you for loving your brother so much and helping us get through those first terrible days without him. Thank you for the horrible farts you would let loose in the car. Thank you for always being eager to go in the bath and letting us brush your teeth with such ease. Thank you for always wanting to be one inch closer than your brother when there were blankets involved. Thank you for showing me how much joy there is in the life of a small dog. I am missing you terribly. Most of all, I hope you know how much I love you.

For now, I hope you are with Henry. I hope you will be waiting for me. Sleep well, my darlings.

Henry 2005-2022

Big Feelings, Pets

Precisely one month ago today, our Henry’s mighty steady heart was quieted. I held him as he went still with instructions for him to go and find Mom and Raven, to be sure to wait for me and to know that he would never stop being loved. It was as peaceful and as loving as we could make it for him, at home. His strong heart held out for seventeen years and thirty four days.

The month that has passed hasn’t made the loss any lighter. As I write this, the tears are right there again. I met Henry when he was six weeks old, literally only a handful. I wasn’t looking for a small dog or even a dog at all. I was only there to help socialize the litter of puppies so that they would be ready for their real homes. Three weeks later, I left the socialization sessions with Henry. A month later, we would pick up George from across the mountains but that story is for another time.

Henry, named after Henry Rollins, was my rock. People made the mistake of thinking he was slow or not capable. I cannot tell you how many dogsitters he fooled with his approach to walks. Henry was neither of those things, he was determined and deliberate. The amount of stubborn resistance that he could pack into his 14 pound body was impressive. It was dwarfed by the immense amount of love he gave.

If Henry liked you, it was permanent. He would take his time deciding about you and once he did, you either had a fan for life or not. He could not even be persuaded to change his mind with the application of treats. His moral compass was fully operational. He had a bark that he seldom used but when he did, it was as if it came from 100 pound dog – which was quite useful when people rang the doorbell.

We’re all lost without the center of our family. With all of the rest of us, two footed and four, being busy and stressed, Henry was the Zen. The cats loved being near him. He was George’s therapy dog and at night, he slept between us. We are still missing him in our day to day routines. I am also not yet able to stop saying “The dogs” instead of “The dog”. I don’t know when I will be able to make that transition.

I haven’t wanted to write about it because that would make it so final. Just like picking up his ashes will. I have to remember that there is so much grief because there was so much love. Especially that he gave to all of us.

To my small and stubborn Henry, the heart of our pack, thank you for the years of joy and love that you gave to us. There never would have been enough years. Thank you for the many lessons in “Mindfulness with Henry” as you got older and slowed down a bit, giving me the chance to slow down with you so we could be together in our own bubble, rather than the speed of the world around us. Thank you for always trying and when it was not possible anymore, telling me. Sleep well, my darling.

PU.. chicken farts

Pets

It seems that everyone in the house, with the exception of me, has chicken farts. GG went to the Friday market today to get a chicken to celebrate George’s big 17. When I came upstairs to the kitchen, she was seated at our big table with all of the cats circling the area and George bouncing up and down like a jack in the box. Henry was sensibly waiting his turn under his blanket in his basket.

A feast was had by all of the omnivores. As can be expected, they all now have terrible chicken farts. While no one has yet fainted, I have the doors to the garden open as a precaution. 😉

George is sleeping next to me, dreaming of getting the whole chicken next time and with a side of fries. Olive is sitting next to me, purring. Henry is walking around, practicing for his next big adventure. Friday night in the village. 😉

The boys got their rabies shots this week and their annual check up. At the end of the month, we will be leaving for a temporary relocation to Spain. People are restricted to one carry on size trolley and a laptop bag. The dogs have their own bag and then the rest of the room in the car will be for the banjo. I am frantically trying to learn enough Spanish before we go so that I can communicate for the basics.

We had a young vet this week so there was no conversation about the five questions to ask yourself about when it is time to put your pet to sleep. As usual, I was the most anxious being in the room. She let me fly with my list of questions and stayed super calm and positive. They took a biopsy on a growth that Henry has on his chest and it turns out it is still just fat. Turns out the oldest dog in their practice is 19 and then it’s Henry and George for the tie.

PU… George just let another one fly. Oxygen masks from the ceiling, please!

Pizza, please

Pets

It’s rainy and chilly outside compared to the past few weeks. Henry is on the bottom layer of the pet pile, under a thick blanket. On the other side of the blanket, Pickle is curled up against him having finished with wreaking havoc on the outside world. With his back against Pickle’s, George is doing is best imitation of a being a member of the Snore Orchestra.

Yesterday we celebrated Henry’s 17th birthday. It was a quieter celebration this year, no wild party at the park or kegs of beer. Instead he woke up to a dog massage, lots of hugs and gratitude that he is still here with us. He did get organic raw beef for dinner instead of a McDonald’s cheeseburger. He didn’t seem to mind the difference.

Later on the evening, he did get a small piece of pizza crust. I am amazed by his drive. He’s quite fragile now and yet when he wants to resist something, it’s like trying to push over a German Shepherd. Or perhaps it’s that he looks fragile as he is mostly bald now and we underestimate that steady, stubborn dachshund streak. What has changed is that he is much more relaxed about being held. The boys have always been the kind of dogs who would cuddle up next to you but didn’t like being held. Maybe that is small dog street smarts – like don’t pick me up, stranger danger!

Now there are multiple times in the day where I can pick him up and hold him in my lap and he just sits there and hangs out. It’s particularly soothing (for me anyway) when I am videocalling. It could also be that he is cold. We’ll find out when we leave for Spain at the end of October for a month to live in a village.

Happy Birthday, Henry! Thank you for all the love you give. We love you!

Vegan Jackfruit Pizza Deserves Serious Attention

Summertime

Travel

We’re in the portion of the year that is known as “komkommertijd” or literally “cucumber time”. This phrase is a catchall for nothing is really happening, that everyone is on vacation and you can’t really expect any action until September. It’s also the time of year that everything that comes on TV or in the movies tends to be pretty escapism oriented. Doing our part to participate in the komkommertijd, we went to the American style cinema to see the new Minions movie. 😉

It’s not all lazy days around here. This morning we started actively learning Spanish. In November, we will be going to Spain for a month. I’ve signed up for a project in a remote area of Spain that is focused on bringing economic independence to the women of the village (1000 inhabitants). We will bring Henry and George as I do not want to miss a single day of their old age. GG will pack up her laptop and we will buy a portable WIFI router and head to Andalusia. I am excited because it will be an adventure for sure. The logistics still need to be worked out because we will drive and that’s about 1400 miles. Not far perhaps by US standards. For here, it means we will pass through Belgium, France, Andorra and Spain. I’ve never been to Andorra and I am excited to see the Pyrenees up close!

In our search to find a place to rent, I sent a picture of Henry and George yesterday to the local coordinator. This is to convince someone in the village to rent their house to us for the time that we are there. The dog thing was a little bit of an adjustment for them, that people travel with their pets. I also wanted them to see that H&G are quite small in comparison to what they might be thinking – farm or working size dogs. Nothing like a small dog charm offensive for opening doors. 😉 I think that by the time we leave, the boys will have a new fanclub.

Last week, a business partner of mine from Argentina came through the Netherlands for a few days and she stayed with us. It was very intense as she works from 7-7 and eats only salads and dresses like a fashion model. I learned so much from our conversations because her perspectives on many things are so new to me. She’s above all an artist and that’s a different way of looking at things like design, emotion, people. I was really glad that I spent the time with her and breaking through my mental block. If you are exposed too long to the same things, you can’t see the other possibilities anymore. I have been experiencing a lot of that – banging my head against so many walls of the status quo has been leaving me with a headache and drains my optimism. This is why you need people around you that recharge you, lend you their belief in the impossible so that you can renew yours.

The experience with Sol highlighted for me even more why going to Spain is going to be such a good thing. It will be regenerative and focused on doing things differently than what the status quo says. Most importantly, it will be a collective “we” immersion. One of the things that I have been having difficulty with lately is the individualistic nature of the Dutch culture. Here almost everything is an “I” instead of a “We”. Mostly because there is a very big need to categorize everything. Put people and things in boxes to easily form judgments, policies and interactions. My brain doesn’t work that way, I look for patterns and connections and then apply logic to build something from that information. My heart doesn’t work that way either.

Perhaps long term I will find my way to a more “We” culture. Knowing what you are seeking is halfway to finding it or as to quote the G.I. Joe cartoon motto from my brothers’ childhood “Knowing is half the battle.” Heh.